Hydrochloric Acid
by Kishire-Zangetsu
Summary: Orihime's an impatient girl when it comes to Ichigo. After all, she needs her daily amount of squee and he and Grimmjow are messing with her schedule. Grimm/Ichi. Crack.


Hey! This…is really just crack. Maybe not to the fullest extent of the law, but crack none the less. Ignore mistakes. Enjoy!

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><p>Orihime likes to think that she isn't as dumb as many people think she is.<p>

She's taken-and passed-a lot of IQ tests, and has landed within the top ten in school every year. Sure, she may be somewhat of an airhead, and even she can recognize when her fantasies go far beyond anything remotely plausible, but she's still not dumb.

She noticed it. A while ago.

Kurosaki Ichigo is, by far, the most oblivious person she ever met. And no, she doesn't mean that in a bad way. Just that…he can be a little…uh…

Well, she's liked him since middle school, and he didn't notice. She wasn't exactly subtle, either.

Thinking back on it, though, she wonders if maybe she just should've said something.

Ichigo isn't exactly the type to have things like romance and happiness on his mind. He's of the mindset that, you can't be in love or happy if you're_ dead_, so…he'd rather save the damsel then live happily ever after with her.

So, when she started seeing him with someone else, it didn't hurt her as much as it should've. She's not sure whether to be thankful or crying into her pillow.

On the one hand, Ichigo seemed happy. On the other hand…

"Will you listen to me for like, ten seconds? You can't mix muriatic acid with regular cleaners! Didn't you pay attention in chemistry?"

"No. But I did pay attention to my uncle's job, and he did it all the time. He never hurt himself…well, minus the whole losing a hand and blinding one eye…"

"Idiot! Those don't seem like big injuries to you? You're not even supposed to use it without gloves!"

"Well, he was a mason, so I think he'd know."

"…being a mason doesn't make him immune to the aftereffects. Moron."

"Ya love me."

Orihime watches the scene with bated breath, hoping, praying something will come out of it. It's been like this for a while. She's tried to prove her theory with several tests, but they've all been inconclusive.

Well, purposely making horrid food and whipping out her big doe eyes really only resulted in Orihime coming to the conclusion that she's going to make a terrible wife. She's pretty sure Ichigo felt the same.

Whether after or before the tenth time leaning over the toilet isn't the issue.

Then there was the time when she and Ichigo went shopping. She bought everything, because that's what the magazine said to do (and Cosmogirl never lies!).

Apparently, doing this the day after the red bean paste and avocado gingerbread cookies with bacon sprinkles as an apology will only result in you carrying all the bags whilst some orange haired guy pukes his brains out into a hastily grabbed shopping bag.

And it was such a nice little strawberry halter top dress…

After those disasters, Orihime's pretty sure Ichigo's avoiding her, and she's alright with that. As long as she gets to watch…

"Wanna come to my house? My sisters are all gonna be at my aunt's house…I think."

"Which aunt?"

"Kuukaku. Ya know, you should meet her. She has a brother who looks just like ya. Annoying fucker."

"Oh? Is that why we're alike? Ass."

"Nah, you're waaaaaay cuter than that bastard. But, yeah, they're fireworks experts, and she was gonna set some off at the beach."

"Why aren't you going? You like to blow things up."

At this, Grimmjow waggles his eyebrows, and it's all Orihime can do to keep from squealing. She takes a deep breath before refocusing her attention.

"That I do, Kitten-berry. But I figure we can watch from the balcony or somethin'. Just you and me."

Orihime clasps her hands together at the 'thinking about it' face Ichigo makes. 'Say yes!' she whispers.

"…sure. But no funny business. I'm still sore from last time."

Unfortunately, the rest of this conversation was lost due to the sever amount of blood our leading lady seems to have lost.

Dumb bitch.

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><p>She sees it at school. At work in the convenience store. On the street.<p>

_In her house_.

"You said truth, dammit! Ya have to answer!"

"I don't want to!"

"You can't do that, Ichigo! You have to answer!"

"Shut up Renji! And who invited you anyway?"

"Rukia did. Now answer the question, Ichi."

"Don't call me that! And I won't. Shiro specified too many things for that to really be one question."

The white haired man sighed. "Hah, looks like King caught me. Guess I just can't pull the wool over yer eyes, can I, Ichi-chan?" he smiled sweetly at the other.

Ichigo sighed as well, reaching over and patting Shiro on the head. "Silly."

Orihime has also noticed Ichigo is sort of a hoe. He himself isn't yet privy to this information.

Grimmjow knows. The evil gleam in his eye is actually kind of cute when it's not directed at her.

"Well, I'll go get some snacks!"

"NOOO!"

Orihime turned to look at everyone- Renji, Rukia, Shiro, and Ichigo- gesturing at her as if to restrain her should anything odd happen.

Grimmjow sneezed in that moment. "I'll go with her to make sure she doesn't poison anyone." He stood and cracked his back, yawning.

Ichigo reached up and pinched his leg. "Thank you. Now, Rukia, I believe it is your turn. Truth or dare?"

Orihime bit the hell out of her lip to keep from yelling in frustration at the scene, instead heading into the kitchen.

As soon as Grimmjow walked in, he was yanked to the side. "Hey-!"

Orihime put a hand over his mouth and glared at him. "You. You know that boy out there. The one you're screwing?"

Grimmjow's eyes widened momentarily before he raised a brow.

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not dumb. I've liked Ichigo forever. You think I wouldn't notice if he was with someone?"

Grimmjow considered this for a moment. He moved her hand to speak, only for her to put it back.

"Ah, ah! Don't wanna hear it. You need to propose to that guy out there. Like right now. If not now, tomorrow. He loves you and you love him, and I've been watching you pussyfoot around each other long enough. It's bad enough you stole him from me, go make him happy! You're already screwing, what's the problem?"

Grimmjow looked at her and then past her. She felt him smiling under her hand and her brows wrinkled. Why was he-

"Uh…Hime?"

She whirled around to see Ichigo standing there with what had to be the world's deepest blush. She choked on her spit, both at how embarrassed she was and how adorable he looked at that moment.

"Ichigo!" she exclaimed happily. "What are yo doing in here? I thought you were playing with the others?"

Ichigo slowly gestured back to the living room. "Um…I just wanted some water…what are you doing?"

"Me? Nothing. Just…wiping Grimmjow's mouth. Such a dirty boy!" she made a show of rubbing her hand all over Grimmjow's face, which he quickly removed. They struggled for a second before Ichigo cleared his throat.

"So…you know…"

She had the decency to look sheepish. "Um…yeah…but! That's okay! Now you can be the damsel instead!"

The redhead blinked. "What?"

Grimmjow laughed loud, tears forming in his eyes, until Orihime discreetly elbowed him in the gut. "Bitch…" he groaned.

"Well, I'll grab the chips! Ichigo, can you get the root beer, please! And Grimmjow, you look a little pale, you wanna lie down?" she asked, batting her lashes.

Grimmjow clearly had a look that said 'this psycho bitch is for real…'. He shook his head and left.

She grabbed the bags off the counter and walked over to Ichigo. "Oh, and Ichigo?"

"Yes?" he asked, uncertainty evident in his voice.

"You do know that muriatic acid can't _really_ hurt your hands, right?"

He blushed. "Okay, so maybe I just like arguing with him."

She did squeal this time. Loudly.

She'd have to take them shopping tomorrow. She needed some bleach anyway. And maybe a home cooked meal after that…something with apricots and blueberries…

She passes Grimmjow on the couch and motions with her fingers.

_I know where you live._

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><p>…I'm not sorry. If I were writing Orihime…she would've been like this. That girl who's in love with the main character but totally won't die if he ends up with someone else. Damn you Kubo! Why do I love Bleach?<p> 


End file.
